The count down is on, and I'm very excited. I'm ready to rest, I'm ready to distance myself from the computer, I'm ready to re-center myself. No, closing the shop won't be the miracle moment catapulting me into the perfect life I've always dreamed, but it will 1) give me extra time in the day, 2) allow me time to sit and stare at a cat or two, or the wall, or nothing if I so desire, 3) give me the peace of mind that when I make, I make for my own creative growth instead of the bigger craft movement. I've never been one for large groups anyway.

But here it is, in open honesty (and as a precaution, as of late I've been too honest to too many people, and I am restraining that, understanding that I'm showing just how small-minded of a person I can be) I am tired of the competition.

I have a hard time differentiating intention and inspiration. I have a hard time seeing what I perceive as my ideas evolve into others' money-making businesses. Yes, apparently I can be a jealous person.

As an experience, it has shown me how bitter, unhappy and small-minded I can be, and when I sit down to make something, those are not the feelings I want to surge up and out through my hands. Those are the feelings that make me want to withhold, not participate; basically they make me want to sit in a corner and cry salty tears, pounding my fists like a spoiled child that wants more more more. YUCK! No way! That's not me--that's not what I'm trying to be, that's not contributing to anything.

And so, for those of you who have followed my work and helped me celebrate creativity, thank you for being the support I needed while I experienced and sorted out my future. For those of you who asked for advice and moved forward with just a little too much literal "inspiration", may you profit from your work and may we both find peace as you discover your own strength in ideas, skills, and creativity.

May we all understand that yes, even the handmade revolution can contribute just as much to the waste stream as the mass produced mainstream. I was getting to the point where I began to feel that a $20 print was less a piece of affordable art, and more a piece of glorified paper. That's a struggle to realize, but in keeping with the DIY ethos, we must all remember that a creative, ecological, honest approach is the handmade way, the basis for punk, and the cornerstone to build upon. That's the balance I'm seeking.

Perhaps I'll find time to finish a few of the quilts I've started, make some clothes, and find luxury in spending less time working and more time living. I'll have the energy to cook (maybe? is that expecting too much?) and make some clothes. I will draw, and I bet the drawings will be gifts to share, rather than wares to peddle.

Tonight, we'll be decluttering--cleaning off old computers, so they may find new homes where they will be needed and appreciated. Getting rid of the old stuff that has sentimental attachment (the stereo I worked for months and scrimped to save to buy, that has been replaced with better equipment) but no place in my life now. No heavy drinking, no crazy partying, just some quiet release so the new year will begin a little lighter, freer and more composed.

Though there are no real resolutions for the new year for me, Plenty Mag has a great essay on resolutions. Here's to the happy changes of 2009, and here's to the hope that will spread as the days progress into a new era!

But most of all, here's to you, friendly readers, who have found me through my shop and this here blog, though you're mostly silent, I know you're there. May 2009 bring you the dreams you've envisioned, and change if you so desire. Whatever it brings, I hope it brings us all closer together.


Jessie said...

Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm happy if you're happy with this decision. Plus, I know how to find you if I need me some art ;)
Have a beautiful New Year. xoxo

Camilla said...

Happy New Year and although i've only been reading along for a little while i'm going to miss you. I think one of my plans for the new year will be to seriously cut back on the amount of time I spend on-line as it all feels so cannibalistic at times. Best wishes to you and the chickens!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year!

What you touched on here about DIY, waste, etc. is really in line with things I've been pondering this year, too...

Jan said...

Life is dynamic and the journey is what makes it so. So happy to have found you, your beautiful art, your zest for life and your candor. Many happy, relaxing and fulfilling returns in the new year!

Chocolate and Steel said...

I hope that you will still share your art on your blog. I really enjoy it. And while I have never purchased anything from you I would have loved too. I just don't buy much. Your work inspires me and you inspire me. You are genuine.
All the best in the new year!